The Feminist's Guide to Raising a Little Princess by Devorah Blachor

Author:Devorah Blachor
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2017-11-07T05:00:00+00:00

Princess Studies 101:

YES AND NO

In its most harmless forms, women’s and girls’ propensity to accommodate others rather than themselves can result in getting into a conversation you have no desire to engage in, working overtime without pay or reluctantly baking cupcakes for some event, like, say, a bridal shower.

Episodes like these deplete a woman over time—because they’re always doing for others and not taking care of their own needs—but the tendency to accommodate others is profoundly damaging in sexual situations. I’m lucky because I was never sexually assaulted (one in five women are), though as a teenager I was groped and kissed without consent because I couldn’t bring myself to say no. It’s so simple a word and yet I couldn’t access it. I was unprepared, embarrassed, and didn’t have the tools or language to deal with the situation.

When you read women’s accounts of having nonconsensual sex that they don’t call rape or sexual assault—because they blame themselves for not being more assertive about saying no—is it sexual assault? American law is confusing on this subject because each state has varying laws and definitions. “Consent” is defined differently according to each state, including whether silence indicates a lack of consent, or whether a person has to say no before it’s considered assault.*

Meanwhile, as I was researching the female tendency not to say no—and I’ll get to some of those studies soon—I came across a disturbing trend. When I did an initial online search for why women might say yes when they mean no, here are the types of links that came up:

5 Reasons “No” Might Mean “Yes” (MarieClaire.com)

7 Reasons Why Women Say No When They Mean Yes (King Kurtis Smith’s Life Transforming Blog)

17 Things Women Say and What They Really Mean (Mensxp.com)

When Women Say No Do They Really Mean It? (Pointless Online Forum)

Why is it, when women say no, they really mean yes? (Quora)

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